Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
