I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's always time for handjobs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize