Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
