I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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