Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need a beard to bite.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
