Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
