Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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