Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize