dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
