he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
