i can't believe i had my finger in that
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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