Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can you bring me the toilet please
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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