I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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