Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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