i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
