First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
