I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
