Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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