matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
