I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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