I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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