perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
