Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
