i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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