I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
