I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
