i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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