I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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