My liver just broke up with me...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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