Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
