mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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