Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
