i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
