brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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