I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
