Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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