I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
