I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
