my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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