you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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