That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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