im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
