im about as happy as oj after his trial
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
