From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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