Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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