I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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