I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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