All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
