Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
