I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
