Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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