I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Be still, my beating vagina.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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