the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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