wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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