Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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