the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
