wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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