I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
