$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
