Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
